Of light and darkness
by TheWhiteCrayon
Summary: The light is flashing before his eyes. (And he thinks maybe they're memories, exploding into nothing.) -Oneshot, beckcentric.
**okay, I have no idea where this is coming from, but I actually kinda like it :)**

 **It may be a little vague, but I hope you'll like it anyway.**

 **Disclaimer; I do not own victorious.**

Sometimes he still remembers.

Just never the way that _other people remember._

(He doesn't remember very often -but when hedoes, _he's there._ )

x

When the pretty brown haired girl in the sharp white dress walks into the room, he's twenty one again.

Her name is Jade, and they're getting _married_ today.

"I love you."

She doesn't say it back.

He could have _sworn_ she was _supposed_ to say it back.

 _(It's how he remembers, after all.)_

x

"You're beautiful." he tells her, and she is. (With her pretty black hair and brown eyes that he thinks he remembers.)

And he thinks maybe she was in the middle of telling him a story, but even if he was listening he couldn't remember.

"I'm sorry, but who are you again?" he asks. (Because he remembers her _eyes_ but all memories blur together.)

Tears appear behind her (beautiful) eyes and she swallows a few times before answering.

"It's me, dad." She says. "Lily."

And he's so, so surprised, because he _remembers_ having a daughter, but he _doesn't remember_ her growing up.

(And for a moment he's sad, because there's a _hole_ in his memory, where his _daughter_ was supposed to be.)

"Lily?" he whispers. "Lily, can you please tell me something about your childhood? Can you tell me about your favourite memory?"

And the girl with the pretty black hair and familiar brown eyes tells him everything there is to know, and she helps him fill the hole.

x

Sometimes, he's not even sad about the holes, because he doesn't _remember_ that there _are_ any.

x

Sometimes, the light and the colours all blend in together. (Like a bright, messy _rainbow._ )

And he _tries_ to keep the world's _separated_ (but how can he, when the _colours_ are still the same?).

And the light's _too bright,_ it disorientates him, it pushes him further and further towards the edge.

(And the world's slowly blend in together.)

But he's not gonna fight it anymore.

 _(He's tired of fighting.)_

x

"Dad, I'm going to go now." the girl with the pretty black hair says, (he doesn't remember her name) "Mom's here."

"No." he mumbles. "She can't be." But his daughter doesn't hear him.

A woman sits down next to him, and he thinks he remembers her. Her hair is brown (but darker than it should have been) with a few grey streaks (that he's never seen before). Her skin is tanned and a little wrinkled (but she had porcelain skin, before). And her eyes are brown, _exactly like the girl with the black hair_ (but weren't they supposed to be blue?).

(He doesn't even care. _He just wants her back._ )

"How are you, Beck?" she asks softly. "I'm fine." he says.

She stays for a while _(time is just such a blur)_ and they don't really speak until she gets ready to leave, and kisses his cheek before she goes. "I love you, Beck." She whispers.

And suddenly, time blends in with colours and a much too bright light, and brown eyes turn into blue ones (and he has her back, _he has her back_ ).

He takes her face in his hands and tenderly kisses her lips. (When he let's go, she's smiling.)

"I love you too, Jade." he says. "Please don't go, I love you."

(But it's too late because tears begin to fill her _brown_ eyes, and she turns around and leaves.)

 _He lost her again._

x

Sometimes, he's sixteen again. And he and Jade are holding hands in the classroom, and everything is just so _wonderfully_ s i m ple.

x

There's a picture in his room. The girl with the pretty black hair is in it, and so is he. There's another woman with brown eyes in there, too (his arms are tightly wrapped around her shoulders) but he doesn't remember who she is.

Nevertheless, he loves watching it.

x

He thinks there was another girl with black hair once.

Only her eyes were blue instead of brown.

And she didn't grow up like the other girl.

(At least he doesn't _remember._ )

 _She was just a little girl._

x

The light is flashing before his eyes.

(And he thinks maybe they're memories, exploding into nothing.)

x

It was a beautiful funeral, really. Birds were singing and flowers were blossoming.

It was raining a little, but he didn't mind.

(It felt like the sky was crying for them, too.)

There were two black coffins. (Because that had always been her favourite colour.) One big, and one small.

One for his wife, and one for his daughter.

 _(He doesn't remember their names.)_

x

He curls up into a ball and cries, because _he doesn't know what's happening_ and _everybody is out to get him._

"Mr. Oliver, please." the woman in the sharp white dress begs. "Please don't do this, Mr. Oliver. We're only trying to help you."

"No!" he screams. He yells, he and _scream_ and _crie_ _s._

Because he doesn't _believe_ her, he doesn't _know_ her, and he doesn't _trust_ her.

 _(Everybody' s_ lying _to_ _him.)_

"Mr. Oliver, please let us help you." She asks again.

"The girl..." he whispers. "Please. Bring the girl -the girl with black hair and brown eyes. Please. She wouldn't lie to me. Please bring her here."

 _She's the only one he trusts anymore._

A little later the woman lays a comforting hand on his back. "Don't worry, Mr. Oliver." She says "It's okay. Your daughter is on her way here."

x

Everything is dark around him, now.

Colours don't blend in together anymore and the light doesn't flash before his eyes anymore.

(Sometimes he wishes it did.)

The only thing that's _real_ anymore is the girl with the pretty black hair.

Sometimes, he just starts screaming, and doesn't stop until they bring her to him.

She's the _only_ light to his darkness.

x

He misses Jade.

He doesn't remember who she was, or what she looked like. He just remembers that name.

(All he knows is that he misses her.)

x

He's tired. He doesn't really want to go on anymore. He just wants to sleep.

x

Death isn't like he imagined it. It isn't cold, or scary.

It's more like a warm blanket.

It heals his pain.

(He's not afraid anymore.)

The darkness is being chased away by the light.

 _Peace._ There's finally peace.

He falls asleep.

 **What did you think? Did you understand? Loved it? Hated it?**

 **Please feel free to review, it makes me happy. :)**


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